Update

Well, it's about time that I update! Wowzers, it's been a long time. A really really long time. A lot has happened since my last update. I finished my second year of college. I'm heading to Winona in the fall, but until then I'm trying to enjoy my summer as much as I possibly can. My brother has moved out, and my friend Amanda has moved in. I've been trying to keep myself very busy (which isn't that hard because there always seems to be something I need to get done). One of my friends is pregnant. One has been layed off. One is "homeless." What is happening to this world? I feel lucky for what I do have.

I guess that is what we're supposed to do in life: be thankful for what we do have. God only challenges us with what he thinks we can handle. Yeah, I know I could handle a lot more crap in my life, and therefor, I'm glad that he doesn't keep pushing my limits. I think I'm just now getting a good grip on life, love, and faith. I've been thinking a lot about religious, and actually doing some heavy duty thinking and reading. I'm trying to find my catholic roots, and see if some of that faith is after all inside of me. I've gone to lutheran churches more than the catholic one, and honestly, there's not that big of a difference. Organized religion to me is human made. I do believe in a God, but I haven't grasped onto exactly what I do believe in. I'm not much into organized religion...but that doesn't mean I can't have my own set of beliefs.

Well, I don't know what else to update about. Doubt anyone's still looking at this for updates, but I don't really care.

Christmas Without You

All I want for Christmas is for time to rewind and for you to be here now. I can't stand the thought of another Christmas without you. How does somebody live 17 years with someone and then is expected to keep living without them? People think that just because it's been over a year that I should "be over it" and "move on already." Well, SCREW YOU! You lose someone you love and we'll see you get over it in that time period. A year and a half is no where near 17 years. So, screw everyone who thinks that.

I can see the pain in my family's eyes. I can see the tears well up in them. I can feel myself about to break down. But we all are expected to go on. It's part of the world. It's just hard. My family had to completely re-do their lives in a sense. Make a new world without her here. This new family is closer, yeah, because we've learned exactly how important family is...but we're also farther apart because we all are dealing with it in our own ways.

Last Christmas was my first Christmas without you. That one was definitely a hard one. This one...is just about as hard. Surprising? No. I don't know if it'll ever get easier. It's pure pain. Deep pain. Pain that you wouldn't understand unless you've gone through it. Pain that everyone will eventually have to go through. It sucks. Plain out sucks.

People who only want Christmas to come for gifts that cost way too much should fricken realize a few things. That's not what Christmas is about. Even though I'm not too religious, and my family never really celebrated the real reason of Christmas, we always associated it with family. All I'm asking is for everyone to appreciate any amount of time you get to spend with your family. It goes by fast. Any day can change your life majorly. Just be with your family and enjoy it. That is probably the most important gift anyone can get for Christmas.

Wow! It's been a really long time since I updated. I guess I've just been too busy.

Here's an update:

1) School's been sucky. I'm getting terrible grades, but there are only two weeks left of classes and I know for a fact that next semester will be 100% better. Amanda and I are carpooling next semester every day. And so I'll hafta get up and go to class.

2) I got a nose piercing! It actually looks pretty good, I think. However, I have a cold right now, so I keep blowing my nose, so it's extremely red...

3) Things with James are amazing! Every day that I spend with him, I fall deeper. Deeper in love, that is. I can't even explain the way that I feel about him. It's just that spectacular.

4) Yah, don't know what else to say. Toodles!

I've been really hating life lately. I've been so down and unmotivated that I'm not getting anywhere in life. I'm just slowly sinking back down that dark depressing hole that I've been so desperately trying to climb out of for what seems like forever.

School is sucking beyond belief. I dropped Humanities and my English class. I was doing terrible anyway. I want to drop my Chemistry class. It's just too hard, and there's no way I'm going to improve that grade. The only reason I haven't yet is because I'm afraid of my grandparent's reactions...I mean, they're the ones that have dished out money for me to go to school. Maybe I should just let them know how much of a failure I have become, and then tell them that I will start saving up and I will pay my own way.

Home life really sucks too. Jay's never home, and when he is, he's usually too drunk or passed out to even talk about anything. I've been trying to clean the house up as much as I can, and I've been doing a pretty good job at it, but then days like yesterday happen where my dogs just ruin everything in the house, and I can't keep up with their messes.

I need to learn to say no to hanging out with people, but I know if I say no then they get mad at me. I've already heard that one of my friends has been talking about me behind my back saying things like I'm going to lose all of my friends because all I ever do is hang out with James. Whatever! She always gets like this whenever something good happens in my life. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with certain people when they just constantly bring me back down.

I have no clue where I'm heading in life, and I'm starting to feel entirely lost. I feel so awful lately. It's so hard to just get myself to do anything. I need some serious motivation in my life.

At least I have James. He's been amazing to me lately. He is one person who actually cares about me unconditionally. I only have a few of those friends in my life. He's pretty much amazing.

I'm so fed up with feeling like this. I don't understand. I love my new job. I'm really happy with my amazing boyfriend. There's so much to be thankful for, to be happy for, but...yet...I still feel really depressed. It's just not fair. I don't want to feel like this.

This day will go down in history...

History has been made today. Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States of America! I'm happy for that, but that's not why I voted for him. I agree with a lot of his ideas and plans for this country, and I do believe that he would make a better difference than McCain would have. No one can know for sure though, can they?

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I need money! Now!!!!!!!! I can't wait until I start working normal hours and making more money. James's birthday is coming up, but I already know exactly what I'm getting for him and it's affordable :) Then I've got to pay off cable, insurance, phone bill, and the gym, plus pay Jamie and Jay back for covering me this month when I was completely broke. Then I have to save up money for Christmas...and that's going to suck. I love seeing my family and spending time with them all, but I hate the feeling of not being able to afford nice things for everyone. I know it's not about the gifts. But, in today's world, people are spending lots of money on people, and I just can't keep up. I feel terrible for that.

Then, after that, I have to save up like crazy so I can see Kasie in Arizona this spring!!! I can't wait. I miss her so much that it isn't even funny. Yeah, I hate her as much as I love her, but she's like my sister, what can I say?

I have been feeling so lost lately. My school work has just been slipping like crazy because of everything else. Now that I'm not working as much, I've been trying to get the whole house clean, but it seems like when I clean anything up, the guys mess it up fast. I wish they could learn to help out around the house. It'd make my life a lot easier.

I worry about them so much. Jay's health is going to go down hill really soon if he doesn't stop the way he's living. I have no clue how he can drink as much as he does, and still function "normally". Plus, going out every night or staying up all night on the phone and getting only a few hours of sleep when he's putting in 12 hour shifts at work can't be healthy for him. And I'm so worried about Jamie. He seems kinda upset lately, and him being my brother will not talk to me about any of it. He also wants to move out soon, and that worries me because he already has trouble with doing normal housework...how's he supposed to live by himself?

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I do have to say though that if it wasn't for James right now, I'd be completely insane. I've never had a boyfriend quite like him. All of my ex's, I had to do all the comforting, and they weren't always there for me. They didn't quite get me. Let's face it...I didn't get them either. But, with James... when I have a problem or I'm really upset...I can literally run into his arms and he makes everything seem okay.

He's the one person who doesn't get disappointed or mad at me for things. He's just there for me, and I'm there for him. I'm not afraid to tell him anything, and that in itself should scare me, but it doesn't. Unlike other relationships, I don't feel like this one is constantly on the edge of going downhill. It's just us, walking slowly up hill, hand in hand. And that makes me really happy. I can't even begin to describe that. Yesterday, when I was about to leave his house, he started smiling like crazy, and I was like, "what?" And he said, "You have such a happy glow to you now than when you got here." Haha. He makes me happy...

Being with James makes me realize why my past relationships weren't necessarily the best relationships. Why they had a lot of drama in them, and why I felt used constantly. I have no clue where life is going to go, but with someone as supportive as James by my side...I know I'll make it.