I need money! Now!!!!!!!! I can't wait until I start working normal hours and making more money. James's birthday is coming up, but I already know exactly what I'm getting for him and it's affordable :) Then I've got to pay off cable, insurance, phone bill, and the gym, plus pay Jamie and Jay back for covering me this month when I was completely broke. Then I have to save up money for Christmas...and that's going to suck. I love seeing my family and spending time with them all, but I hate the feeling of not being able to afford nice things for everyone. I know it's not about the gifts. But, in today's world, people are spending lots of money on people, and I just can't keep up. I feel terrible for that.

Then, after that, I have to save up like crazy so I can see Kasie in Arizona this spring!!! I can't wait. I miss her so much that it isn't even funny. Yeah, I hate her as much as I love her, but she's like my sister, what can I say?

I have been feeling so lost lately. My school work has just been slipping like crazy because of everything else. Now that I'm not working as much, I've been trying to get the whole house clean, but it seems like when I clean anything up, the guys mess it up fast. I wish they could learn to help out around the house. It'd make my life a lot easier.

I worry about them so much. Jay's health is going to go down hill really soon if he doesn't stop the way he's living. I have no clue how he can drink as much as he does, and still function "normally". Plus, going out every night or staying up all night on the phone and getting only a few hours of sleep when he's putting in 12 hour shifts at work can't be healthy for him. And I'm so worried about Jamie. He seems kinda upset lately, and him being my brother will not talk to me about any of it. He also wants to move out soon, and that worries me because he already has trouble with doing normal housework...how's he supposed to live by himself?

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I do have to say though that if it wasn't for James right now, I'd be completely insane. I've never had a boyfriend quite like him. All of my ex's, I had to do all the comforting, and they weren't always there for me. They didn't quite get me. Let's face it...I didn't get them either. But, with James... when I have a problem or I'm really upset...I can literally run into his arms and he makes everything seem okay.

He's the one person who doesn't get disappointed or mad at me for things. He's just there for me, and I'm there for him. I'm not afraid to tell him anything, and that in itself should scare me, but it doesn't. Unlike other relationships, I don't feel like this one is constantly on the edge of going downhill. It's just us, walking slowly up hill, hand in hand. And that makes me really happy. I can't even begin to describe that. Yesterday, when I was about to leave his house, he started smiling like crazy, and I was like, "what?" And he said, "You have such a happy glow to you now than when you got here." Haha. He makes me happy...

Being with James makes me realize why my past relationships weren't necessarily the best relationships. Why they had a lot of drama in them, and why I felt used constantly. I have no clue where life is going to go, but with someone as supportive as James by my side...I know I'll make it.

Ever want to explain to people what exactly is going on in your mind, but you did not have the words to explain it? Well, here's the simple words from my mind:

1) Life is screwed up.
2) People are screwed up.
3) Society is screwed up.
4) I am not.

Haha, okay okay...so number 4 is a lie. But hey, the other ones simplify everything pretty much.

More on my screwed up life and everything later...

My mind won't let me sleep once again, which really sucks... :(

Jay got mad at me today because I wanted to throw some junk from the closet away. He told me that instead of cleaning the closet, I should be cleaning something that actually matters...that people actually will see. Well, usually, I tell my friend's to hang their coats in the closet...so yeah, to me, that's an important place to clean. I can clean wherever the damn I want to clean because I'm the ONLY one who cleans anyway. He's too busy drinking, going to bars EVERY night of the week, and having a very interesting (but apparently confusing) social life. Jamie actually got a life recently, but still, whenever he's home, it's only video games he's usually concerned about. They're fricken adults too...they should learn to fricken pick up after themselves. Seriously!

I'm embarrassed to have friend's over in this pigstye. At least I have my room to escape to. Sure, it's not super clean either, but it sure is a lot better than the rest of the house. It's hard to keep up on everything downstairs, while 2 guys and 2 dogs make a mess EVERYWHERE!

School has become torture to me because I'm completely lost in a few subjects due to my increased procrastination (laziness, more like). I have no clue how I'm going to explain to my grandparents that they pretty much wasted money on college for me this semester because I pretty much haven't done anything.

I find that if I try to spend more time on my homework, my friends get mad at me because then I don't have much free time. If I spend more time with my friends, my homework slips. I really need to find out how to manage my time, and fit everything in in a balanced way.

I've only worked twice at Homestyle, but I forgot how much of an awesome distraction work can be from stupid life things. I've liked everyone I've worked with so far, and I'm still trying to learn new things, which means that my wandering mind is more focused! Plus, the awesome thing is that there's only 4 girls total there...the rest are guys! Which, in no offense to my own gender, but working with more guys and less girls will mean less drama! I love that!

I can't wait until I start making money though. I got 20 dollars in tips the other night, but I spent that all on gas. I'm running out of little things around the house almost completely. Plus, there is really no food here, which means I haven't been eating hardly anything. Jay says he's going to pick up some groceries, but he seems to forget that.

I really don't think that my ex-coworkers are ever going to pay me back. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I want them too, but if they don't have the money, how can I expect them too. I believe that if I have money that I don't necessarily need, but someone else has no money and they need some, then why should I hold onto it? Living in today's economy really sucks...

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I'm going to go try the impossible again (a.k.a. falling asleep). Wish me luck :)

Well, yeah, if I stay out until 1 in the morning when I have to be up in 7 hours is probably a bad idea. So, I won't get enough sleep tonight, and then tomorrow I'll be playing "catch-up", and I'll be so caught up that I won't be able to sleep the next night. I need to start sleeping at a decent time EVERY night.

"It's time to get up!" Why? What's the point? Many days, I lie in bed, skipping classes, not getting anything done, just wanting to stay there...forever. What's the point in getting up and going through the day, emotionless and tired? I know there's a point, and I've been trying really hard to make myself see it, but some days, I just prefer the comfort of my dark room, in the safety of my bed. Sounds depressing? It sure is, but it's safe from dealing with the daily crap of life. In high school, my parents allowed me to take "mental health days" if I needed to. That might have helped then, but now it's turning into a bad habit.

I don't want to do a single thing today, and technically, I don't have to. There's nothing due tomorrow or anything. I could stay here, in bed, all day. I'd have to shut off my phone. Already today, 4 people have been texting me. They're all up and doing things already, and me, I'm being lazy and staying here in bed. What kind of person am I becoming? Seriously? This isn't what I want me to be like. I just feel like I have no energy to do anything (or control of myself, for that matter).

Life loves challenging me. I must have been too lazy today or something because I chose to skip most of my classes. The only reason I went to one class was for a friend. Then I had to finish my lab partner's part of the lab that he had 2 weeks to do because he never e-mailed me his part, and he wasn't in lab. I didn't wanna have to work alone, so I skipped lab too. I turned in the report though, as a group report even though I did the whole thing. Oh well.

Then, I was gonna run back into roch. to bring a friend to work, and all of a sudden, my car starts making this weird noise...yup, the muffler fell off.

What the heck am I supposed to do now? I don't have money to fix it because I haven't been working much (but I got hired at Homestyle Pizza). I have so many bills that I'm behind on because of that stupid job thing. I need a car, otherwise, I can't get to school, and my grades are already slipping...big time...

What the heck am I supposed to do now??? *sigh* Jay's gonna look at it, and hopefully he can fix it. If not, hopefully Danielle's uncle RC will. Otherwise, I'm pretty much screwed and S.O.L. for my Biology lab tomorrow.

Worst week of 2008 by Far

This week was probably the hardest week of all this year. I got fired from my job. It's a new experience for me, and I'm trying to not be too depressed over it. It's hard to explain to people who did not work at that job, but that job was practically a huge part of my life. My heart and soul went into my work there. I loved the customers (could tell you a lot of their names, and the sandwiches they'd get by heart), the staff was like an extended family for me (and no matter how much I hate them for turning their backs on me, I still love them), but most of all, I took pride in how much work I put in there (yeah, that sounds cheesy, I know).

So, yeah, it sucks. This morning I had to do one of the hardest things ever. I had to return my key to the manager. I did it before the store even opened. There was a few more things that I would have liked to say to the manager, but I didn't expect the 'handing over the key' to be that emotional for me. Anyway, she's going to let the record show that I quit instead of getting fired. Also, she said that she would NEVER give me a bad reference.

That's all good, but I still feel betrayed. I feel like I lost a lot of my friends also. It's really cheesy, ya know. I didn't think I would ever be this emotional over losing a job. I mean, I'm only 19. It's not like I was going to work there forever. Heck, I was getting ready to quit soon anyway. But, to get fired...and to know that people are talking about you behind your back, really hurts. I'm boycotting Subway food. I'm not going into that place unless it's only a select few working. Even some of the people that I absolutely loved working with, I won't go in to see, because I know that they were the ones that were talking crap and making things up about me.

I don't think I could have gotten through the week if it wasn't for three people. They all are amazing people to talk to. (James, Joe, Nick). It seemed like everyone else was way too preoccupied to even care that I lost my job. But hey, I've got to remember...when times get hard, they all back out...I've learned this before...I don't know why I can't remember it.

Anyway, I'm back to concentrating on school, and looking for a job. I'm hoping to get in at the local pizza place soon. Subway picked a great time to fire me because I'm flat ass broke, which means, I'll have to put in extra hours...which is very hard to do at a new job. Trust me, I do remember that much.

Well, I still haven't slept, but I'm already ready for school. Today's going to be a long Monday. I have a five hour break, so I'll probably come home and sleep for a few hours before my night class. Either that or I'll just sleep in my car, who knows? Ach...I'm already getting sleepy. Time for some caffeine, for sure.