Update

Well, it's about time that I update! Wowzers, it's been a long time. A really really long time. A lot has happened since my last update. I finished my second year of college. I'm heading to Winona in the fall, but until then I'm trying to enjoy my summer as much as I possibly can. My brother has moved out, and my friend Amanda has moved in. I've been trying to keep myself very busy (which isn't that hard because there always seems to be something I need to get done). One of my friends is pregnant. One has been layed off. One is "homeless." What is happening to this world? I feel lucky for what I do have.

I guess that is what we're supposed to do in life: be thankful for what we do have. God only challenges us with what he thinks we can handle. Yeah, I know I could handle a lot more crap in my life, and therefor, I'm glad that he doesn't keep pushing my limits. I think I'm just now getting a good grip on life, love, and faith. I've been thinking a lot about religious, and actually doing some heavy duty thinking and reading. I'm trying to find my catholic roots, and see if some of that faith is after all inside of me. I've gone to lutheran churches more than the catholic one, and honestly, there's not that big of a difference. Organized religion to me is human made. I do believe in a God, but I haven't grasped onto exactly what I do believe in. I'm not much into organized religion...but that doesn't mean I can't have my own set of beliefs.

Well, I don't know what else to update about. Doubt anyone's still looking at this for updates, but I don't really care.

Christmas Without You

All I want for Christmas is for time to rewind and for you to be here now. I can't stand the thought of another Christmas without you. How does somebody live 17 years with someone and then is expected to keep living without them? People think that just because it's been over a year that I should "be over it" and "move on already." Well, SCREW YOU! You lose someone you love and we'll see you get over it in that time period. A year and a half is no where near 17 years. So, screw everyone who thinks that.

I can see the pain in my family's eyes. I can see the tears well up in them. I can feel myself about to break down. But we all are expected to go on. It's part of the world. It's just hard. My family had to completely re-do their lives in a sense. Make a new world without her here. This new family is closer, yeah, because we've learned exactly how important family is...but we're also farther apart because we all are dealing with it in our own ways.

Last Christmas was my first Christmas without you. That one was definitely a hard one. This one...is just about as hard. Surprising? No. I don't know if it'll ever get easier. It's pure pain. Deep pain. Pain that you wouldn't understand unless you've gone through it. Pain that everyone will eventually have to go through. It sucks. Plain out sucks.

People who only want Christmas to come for gifts that cost way too much should fricken realize a few things. That's not what Christmas is about. Even though I'm not too religious, and my family never really celebrated the real reason of Christmas, we always associated it with family. All I'm asking is for everyone to appreciate any amount of time you get to spend with your family. It goes by fast. Any day can change your life majorly. Just be with your family and enjoy it. That is probably the most important gift anyone can get for Christmas.

Wow! It's been a really long time since I updated. I guess I've just been too busy.

Here's an update:

1) School's been sucky. I'm getting terrible grades, but there are only two weeks left of classes and I know for a fact that next semester will be 100% better. Amanda and I are carpooling next semester every day. And so I'll hafta get up and go to class.

2) I got a nose piercing! It actually looks pretty good, I think. However, I have a cold right now, so I keep blowing my nose, so it's extremely red...

3) Things with James are amazing! Every day that I spend with him, I fall deeper. Deeper in love, that is. I can't even explain the way that I feel about him. It's just that spectacular.

4) Yah, don't know what else to say. Toodles!

I've been really hating life lately. I've been so down and unmotivated that I'm not getting anywhere in life. I'm just slowly sinking back down that dark depressing hole that I've been so desperately trying to climb out of for what seems like forever.

School is sucking beyond belief. I dropped Humanities and my English class. I was doing terrible anyway. I want to drop my Chemistry class. It's just too hard, and there's no way I'm going to improve that grade. The only reason I haven't yet is because I'm afraid of my grandparent's reactions...I mean, they're the ones that have dished out money for me to go to school. Maybe I should just let them know how much of a failure I have become, and then tell them that I will start saving up and I will pay my own way.

Home life really sucks too. Jay's never home, and when he is, he's usually too drunk or passed out to even talk about anything. I've been trying to clean the house up as much as I can, and I've been doing a pretty good job at it, but then days like yesterday happen where my dogs just ruin everything in the house, and I can't keep up with their messes.

I need to learn to say no to hanging out with people, but I know if I say no then they get mad at me. I've already heard that one of my friends has been talking about me behind my back saying things like I'm going to lose all of my friends because all I ever do is hang out with James. Whatever! She always gets like this whenever something good happens in my life. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with certain people when they just constantly bring me back down.

I have no clue where I'm heading in life, and I'm starting to feel entirely lost. I feel so awful lately. It's so hard to just get myself to do anything. I need some serious motivation in my life.

At least I have James. He's been amazing to me lately. He is one person who actually cares about me unconditionally. I only have a few of those friends in my life. He's pretty much amazing.

I'm so fed up with feeling like this. I don't understand. I love my new job. I'm really happy with my amazing boyfriend. There's so much to be thankful for, to be happy for, but...yet...I still feel really depressed. It's just not fair. I don't want to feel like this.

This day will go down in history...

History has been made today. Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States of America! I'm happy for that, but that's not why I voted for him. I agree with a lot of his ideas and plans for this country, and I do believe that he would make a better difference than McCain would have. No one can know for sure though, can they?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need money! Now!!!!!!!! I can't wait until I start working normal hours and making more money. James's birthday is coming up, but I already know exactly what I'm getting for him and it's affordable :) Then I've got to pay off cable, insurance, phone bill, and the gym, plus pay Jamie and Jay back for covering me this month when I was completely broke. Then I have to save up money for Christmas...and that's going to suck. I love seeing my family and spending time with them all, but I hate the feeling of not being able to afford nice things for everyone. I know it's not about the gifts. But, in today's world, people are spending lots of money on people, and I just can't keep up. I feel terrible for that.

Then, after that, I have to save up like crazy so I can see Kasie in Arizona this spring!!! I can't wait. I miss her so much that it isn't even funny. Yeah, I hate her as much as I love her, but she's like my sister, what can I say?

I have been feeling so lost lately. My school work has just been slipping like crazy because of everything else. Now that I'm not working as much, I've been trying to get the whole house clean, but it seems like when I clean anything up, the guys mess it up fast. I wish they could learn to help out around the house. It'd make my life a lot easier.

I worry about them so much. Jay's health is going to go down hill really soon if he doesn't stop the way he's living. I have no clue how he can drink as much as he does, and still function "normally". Plus, going out every night or staying up all night on the phone and getting only a few hours of sleep when he's putting in 12 hour shifts at work can't be healthy for him. And I'm so worried about Jamie. He seems kinda upset lately, and him being my brother will not talk to me about any of it. He also wants to move out soon, and that worries me because he already has trouble with doing normal housework...how's he supposed to live by himself?

--------------------------

I do have to say though that if it wasn't for James right now, I'd be completely insane. I've never had a boyfriend quite like him. All of my ex's, I had to do all the comforting, and they weren't always there for me. They didn't quite get me. Let's face it...I didn't get them either. But, with James... when I have a problem or I'm really upset...I can literally run into his arms and he makes everything seem okay.

He's the one person who doesn't get disappointed or mad at me for things. He's just there for me, and I'm there for him. I'm not afraid to tell him anything, and that in itself should scare me, but it doesn't. Unlike other relationships, I don't feel like this one is constantly on the edge of going downhill. It's just us, walking slowly up hill, hand in hand. And that makes me really happy. I can't even begin to describe that. Yesterday, when I was about to leave his house, he started smiling like crazy, and I was like, "what?" And he said, "You have such a happy glow to you now than when you got here." Haha. He makes me happy...

Being with James makes me realize why my past relationships weren't necessarily the best relationships. Why they had a lot of drama in them, and why I felt used constantly. I have no clue where life is going to go, but with someone as supportive as James by my side...I know I'll make it.

Ever want to explain to people what exactly is going on in your mind, but you did not have the words to explain it? Well, here's the simple words from my mind:

1) Life is screwed up.
2) People are screwed up.
3) Society is screwed up.
4) I am not.

Haha, okay okay...so number 4 is a lie. But hey, the other ones simplify everything pretty much.

More on my screwed up life and everything later...

My mind won't let me sleep once again, which really sucks... :(

Jay got mad at me today because I wanted to throw some junk from the closet away. He told me that instead of cleaning the closet, I should be cleaning something that actually matters...that people actually will see. Well, usually, I tell my friend's to hang their coats in the closet...so yeah, to me, that's an important place to clean. I can clean wherever the damn I want to clean because I'm the ONLY one who cleans anyway. He's too busy drinking, going to bars EVERY night of the week, and having a very interesting (but apparently confusing) social life. Jamie actually got a life recently, but still, whenever he's home, it's only video games he's usually concerned about. They're fricken adults too...they should learn to fricken pick up after themselves. Seriously!

I'm embarrassed to have friend's over in this pigstye. At least I have my room to escape to. Sure, it's not super clean either, but it sure is a lot better than the rest of the house. It's hard to keep up on everything downstairs, while 2 guys and 2 dogs make a mess EVERYWHERE!

School has become torture to me because I'm completely lost in a few subjects due to my increased procrastination (laziness, more like). I have no clue how I'm going to explain to my grandparents that they pretty much wasted money on college for me this semester because I pretty much haven't done anything.

I find that if I try to spend more time on my homework, my friends get mad at me because then I don't have much free time. If I spend more time with my friends, my homework slips. I really need to find out how to manage my time, and fit everything in in a balanced way.

I've only worked twice at Homestyle, but I forgot how much of an awesome distraction work can be from stupid life things. I've liked everyone I've worked with so far, and I'm still trying to learn new things, which means that my wandering mind is more focused! Plus, the awesome thing is that there's only 4 girls total there...the rest are guys! Which, in no offense to my own gender, but working with more guys and less girls will mean less drama! I love that!

I can't wait until I start making money though. I got 20 dollars in tips the other night, but I spent that all on gas. I'm running out of little things around the house almost completely. Plus, there is really no food here, which means I haven't been eating hardly anything. Jay says he's going to pick up some groceries, but he seems to forget that.

I really don't think that my ex-coworkers are ever going to pay me back. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I want them too, but if they don't have the money, how can I expect them too. I believe that if I have money that I don't necessarily need, but someone else has no money and they need some, then why should I hold onto it? Living in today's economy really sucks...

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I'm going to go try the impossible again (a.k.a. falling asleep). Wish me luck :)

Well, yeah, if I stay out until 1 in the morning when I have to be up in 7 hours is probably a bad idea. So, I won't get enough sleep tonight, and then tomorrow I'll be playing "catch-up", and I'll be so caught up that I won't be able to sleep the next night. I need to start sleeping at a decent time EVERY night.

"It's time to get up!" Why? What's the point? Many days, I lie in bed, skipping classes, not getting anything done, just wanting to stay there...forever. What's the point in getting up and going through the day, emotionless and tired? I know there's a point, and I've been trying really hard to make myself see it, but some days, I just prefer the comfort of my dark room, in the safety of my bed. Sounds depressing? It sure is, but it's safe from dealing with the daily crap of life. In high school, my parents allowed me to take "mental health days" if I needed to. That might have helped then, but now it's turning into a bad habit.

I don't want to do a single thing today, and technically, I don't have to. There's nothing due tomorrow or anything. I could stay here, in bed, all day. I'd have to shut off my phone. Already today, 4 people have been texting me. They're all up and doing things already, and me, I'm being lazy and staying here in bed. What kind of person am I becoming? Seriously? This isn't what I want me to be like. I just feel like I have no energy to do anything (or control of myself, for that matter).

Life loves challenging me. I must have been too lazy today or something because I chose to skip most of my classes. The only reason I went to one class was for a friend. Then I had to finish my lab partner's part of the lab that he had 2 weeks to do because he never e-mailed me his part, and he wasn't in lab. I didn't wanna have to work alone, so I skipped lab too. I turned in the report though, as a group report even though I did the whole thing. Oh well.

Then, I was gonna run back into roch. to bring a friend to work, and all of a sudden, my car starts making this weird noise...yup, the muffler fell off.

What the heck am I supposed to do now? I don't have money to fix it because I haven't been working much (but I got hired at Homestyle Pizza). I have so many bills that I'm behind on because of that stupid job thing. I need a car, otherwise, I can't get to school, and my grades are already slipping...big time...

What the heck am I supposed to do now??? *sigh* Jay's gonna look at it, and hopefully he can fix it. If not, hopefully Danielle's uncle RC will. Otherwise, I'm pretty much screwed and S.O.L. for my Biology lab tomorrow.

Worst week of 2008 by Far

This week was probably the hardest week of all this year. I got fired from my job. It's a new experience for me, and I'm trying to not be too depressed over it. It's hard to explain to people who did not work at that job, but that job was practically a huge part of my life. My heart and soul went into my work there. I loved the customers (could tell you a lot of their names, and the sandwiches they'd get by heart), the staff was like an extended family for me (and no matter how much I hate them for turning their backs on me, I still love them), but most of all, I took pride in how much work I put in there (yeah, that sounds cheesy, I know).

So, yeah, it sucks. This morning I had to do one of the hardest things ever. I had to return my key to the manager. I did it before the store even opened. There was a few more things that I would have liked to say to the manager, but I didn't expect the 'handing over the key' to be that emotional for me. Anyway, she's going to let the record show that I quit instead of getting fired. Also, she said that she would NEVER give me a bad reference.

That's all good, but I still feel betrayed. I feel like I lost a lot of my friends also. It's really cheesy, ya know. I didn't think I would ever be this emotional over losing a job. I mean, I'm only 19. It's not like I was going to work there forever. Heck, I was getting ready to quit soon anyway. But, to get fired...and to know that people are talking about you behind your back, really hurts. I'm boycotting Subway food. I'm not going into that place unless it's only a select few working. Even some of the people that I absolutely loved working with, I won't go in to see, because I know that they were the ones that were talking crap and making things up about me.

I don't think I could have gotten through the week if it wasn't for three people. They all are amazing people to talk to. (James, Joe, Nick). It seemed like everyone else was way too preoccupied to even care that I lost my job. But hey, I've got to remember...when times get hard, they all back out...I've learned this before...I don't know why I can't remember it.

Anyway, I'm back to concentrating on school, and looking for a job. I'm hoping to get in at the local pizza place soon. Subway picked a great time to fire me because I'm flat ass broke, which means, I'll have to put in extra hours...which is very hard to do at a new job. Trust me, I do remember that much.

Well, I still haven't slept, but I'm already ready for school. Today's going to be a long Monday. I have a five hour break, so I'll probably come home and sleep for a few hours before my night class. Either that or I'll just sleep in my car, who knows? Ach...I'm already getting sleepy. Time for some caffeine, for sure.

Today turned into a long day after all. I woke up at 1, thinking "great, now to hit the books." The phone went off though, and I had to go and get a co-worker from the ER. No big deal there. However, because she was sick, my work was in chaos. It's not her fault. But some people didn't believe her, and was mad at her. Others had to come in on their day off. I was supposed to work a 5-9. No big deal. However, I somehow got stuck working by myself from 7:30 on. We were dead, and it wasn't like I had anything else to do, but somehow I got stuck with the responsibility of doing all of the 9 o'clock things and then I was expected to do a lot of the closing things. What's up with that?

Gah! So frustrating! I studied my butt off for Chemistry, and I only got 13/20 on this week's online quiz. One problem (2 pts.) really makes me mad because I put the right answer, but only with 3 sig figs...I needed 4. Dang! All I have been doing is focusing on Chemistry and I'm not getting anywhere! Grr. Oh well, Exam 2 coming up in 5 days...

Hours and LAUNDRY

I'm mad that they cut my hours, but at the same time, I'm glad to have the time off. I thought that I would be able to catch up on a lot of homework, which I plan on still doing, hopefully, but my friends have seemed to decide that since I have the week off pretty much that I'm free every night. Okay, so it's half my fault...I made some of the plans. Oh wellz, it'll be fun.

Just a note today...why do people make such a big deal out of laundry? Yeah, I hate it too, but it's not that hard. I get so fed up that I'm the only one who really does most of the laundry at my house...and when my brother does end up bringing some clothes up, he just leaves them there to wrinkle...doesn't worry about folding. It drives me bonanzas. And then I laugh at my friends when they say, "crap, my mom's gonna have to wash that now." I don't think it's necessarily bad that they don't do the laundry, but I find it funny in a way. However, if it's your responsibility to wash your own clothes...just do it. No point in wearing dirty clothes...

Hand Washing and Stuff

Alright, I really need to talk about this pet peeve of mine. It's so annoying. Why can't people just wash their fricken hands? Is it that hard? Seriously, when people go to the bathroom, and just flush and come right out, it sickens me. They need to wash their hands. When people cook without washing their hands, I really do not want to eat what they make. Sure, I'm a little OCD, and I clean my hands so much that they chap up really bad and peel, but at least I know they're clean. If you're going to be around me, please, PLEASE, learn to wash your hands...it's not that hard, seriously!

I did a lot of thinking about life today. It has been a really hard day for me today. Sometimes, life just gets me really down like it has today. I can't help but thinking, "why?" to almost everything in life. I see pain on my friend's faces, and it kills me. My step-dad asked me if I hated him for all of the stupid choices he's made, and that really kills me. How can he think I could hate him, after all he's done for me and Jamie? Seriously, how many men do you know would take on the responsibility of raising kids that aren't their own? As far as I'm concerned, he is my dad.

What can I do to stop making them hurt like that, especially when I'm hurting too? I can barely drag myself out of bed or make me do things that I really need to do, but I would muster up the energy to put smiles on the faces of the people I love...if only I knew how. It kills me to see them in pain like this. How can life be so unfair to so many people? And then how come a lot of time, people who have a "good life" look down on people who are struggling just to get through a day?

Life confuses the heck out of me.

Why dream big? You need to work hard to achieve dreams, so why should you even have dreams if you just are not motivated to work hard? I do not know what to do anymore. I am completely lost in some little space in my head. It's dark in there...like a cave. All I have been doing since I got home at 2 is staying in bed, trying to sleep, or just searching for stupid things online. Danielle convinced me to go have dinner with her and Jon, but as soon as she dropped me off, back up to my room I went. I really just want to disappear.

I bombed it. Big time! There's no possible way that I could have done good on that test. It was so confusing. I'm starting to study early on for the next test. I can't be getting bad grades like this. I've been focusing on Chemistry, trying to understand that, and now that I kind of do, I'm doing really bad in Biology...how the heck did that happen? Well, off to Chemistry I go...

Gah! I lie down to go to bed just because I'm exhausted and can't focus on any homework, and as soon as my head hits that pillow, I'm not exhausted anymore. I got like a burst of energy, and now I feel like doing some homework. Weird.